It's been a while since I updated, but I've just been waiting to get that "perfect" post in my head. No, this one is not it. So for now, just some things going on in our lives.
This past Friday marked a year from when baby E came to live with us. I always thought she'd be here to celebrate that milestone with us, but God had other plans for her life. As time goes by, I miss her more. When she first left us, I was too numb to realize what had happened. I tried to supress my tears from coming, and tried to carry on with my life. It's been over 3 months and I can't say that it ever got any easier. I did okay for a while, but when that anniversary date came last Friday, it was a constant reminder that she is no longer in my arms! I know the whole "5 stages of grief" thing, but I think that was wrote by someone who has never really experienced grief. The final stage is apparently acceptance. I know I'm not there, or if I'll ever be there. I had a dream a few nights ago about her leaving, and the very thing that happened that day, was played out in my dream that night...every single horrifying detail. So, no, I am not at the 5th stage yet. I don't know what stage I'd be considered at this point. But I do know that my life will never be the same. Losing a child is life changing, just as welcoming a child is. It becomes a part of you, a part that I will carry on for the rest of my life. I hope that I don't always tear up when her name is mentioned or thought of, but losing her will always be a part of me. Why does God think it's in mine or his best interest for me to experience losing children? I don't know the answer to that question. Hopefully one day I will. Ryan always said that he thinks God allowed us to go through 2 miscarriages to teach us how to truly love a child. Maybe he's right about that, because I love Maddy so much that words can't describe. So why did He allow us to lose the other child that we wanted so desperately to be ours (legally)? I don't know yet...maybe there are more children in our future. Maybe not. But I will keep praising Him either way and letting Him live through me. It would be very easy to get bitter at God. I'm thankful for my faith in Him, and know that He holds my future!
We are in our 6th week of 1st grade! Next week is a break week! We're on a 6 week on/1 week off schedule, so I'm really looking forward to having a nice long break next week to do...nothing! Maddy is doing exceptionally well this year so far. She has passed every single test that I've given her!
Ryan and I saw Mark Lowry in concert last Friday night. Grandma kept Maddy overnight and we had a date night! It was so nice to see him in concert and just LAUGH OUT LOUD! If you ever get to see him in concert, GO! You will not be disappointed.
So, those are my random mumblings! I'll try to get my mind wrapped around something in particular for the next post! : ) Happy Monday, everyone!
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